Good Grief

My step-dad was the best human father I could have ever asked for. He loved me as his own daughter: held me when I cried, protected me from bad things in life, laughed with me in my happiest moments, told me that I was beautiful, encouraged me when I felt low and called me out when I was being a jerk.  More importantly, he truly loved Jesus and his love for Him was infectious. He lived a long, full life and always had great stories of “back when I was a kid” memories.  My step-dad was 60 years my senior and 26 years older than my mom.  I never really noticed how old he was until his age caught up with him and he got sick.

When he got sick, he was in a nursing home for a while.  Mom was working to remodel the house’s basement to move him home under hospice care.  I dropped out of school to help mom in this endeavor and to help her take care of him.  We brought him home and cared for him for two years until he passed on December 22, 2012. I was destroyed.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of preparation can really make someone not feel the pain of losing someone so loved and cherished.

As time has unfolded, I have more good days than bad of missing my father.  I know where he is, I know who he’s with.  (Listen to Pax217’s song “Counting Down the Days”)  Somedays though I wake up and check my phone and my Facebook memories bring up something about my dad and I immediately turn into the melted pot of butter on the stove intended for salt potatoes.  I crumble and fall apart emotionally.

Psalm 6: 6-7- I am weary from my groaning, with my tears I dampen my pillow and drench my bed every night.  My eyes are swollen from grief. …

I feel this way when I miss my dad most.  I let my grief overwhelm me and truly know the feeling of having eyes that are literally swollen from how much I have cried.  I’m sure many other people know this feeling too. Days like this, I really need to rely on God’s strength to get me through.  Over the past almost four years, this is one burden that I have gotten much better at giving to God.

Psalm 6:2- Be gracious to me, Lord, for I a weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking…

I have been blessed by God with some amazing Christian music that helps me get into my feelings so that I can move on with my day.  I’ve learned that unless I let myself cry it out and embrace my emotions that I will be pretty much paralyzed until I do.  If you are like me, my list of go to “grief” songs is below.

Let God wash away your tears and make you whole again.  When you are missing people who meant the world to you but are no longer living in this world, let God hug you and help you get through the day.  It’s not a wound that time can really heal, it’s more of a wound that God can heal and time can help you grow numb to.

Pax 217- Countin Down the Days

Matthew West- Save a Place for Me

Mercy Me – Homesick

Mercy Me – I Can Only Imagine

Casting Crowns – Just Be Held

Danny Gokey – Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

Jaci Velasquez – On My Knees

Kari Jobe- Steady My Heart

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