Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:20-23- My son, pay attention to My words; listen closely to My sayings.  Don’t lose sight of them; keep them within your heart.  For they are life to those who find them, and health to one’s body.  Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.

A little over a year ago I called off my engagement to a different man than who I fell in love with.  When I first met him, it was coming up on the one year anniversary of my step dad’s passing and he was nice.  He came from a Christian family, had a rough time in past relationships, but seemed like he was trusting God to help him get it together.  I thought I had found the perfect guy, the man of my dreams so to speak.  We spent two years together, and for me that was huge.

I don’t stay in relationships long.  I’ll talk to someone for a bit, then if talking works out we might date.  I’ve always had a good gut sense of whether or not it will work out or not after a few months.  I don’t have any regrets over those past relationships.  Before my ex that I was engaged to, let’s call him David, my longest relationship was six months.  When David and I hit that six month mark, and I decided I felt good and happy about the relationship, I thought “finally, God finally found him for me.”

David and I were together for two years, but the last eight months of the relationship were a nightmare that I struggled to admit.  I lost friends because they had told me things they had seen in him that I refused to see, and they couldn’t bear to be around me.  Everyone in my life saw the broken wreck that I was becoming, but I refused to look in the mirror and come to grips with what was going on.  He showed me a fake, made up version of himself, but everyone else saw the monster beneath the mask.

I finally started seeing what was going on.  Long story short, David abused me- mentally, physically, and emotionally.  He stole from me- money and pride and self-esteem.  When I finally called it off and sent him packing, I fell apart.  I looked to family and close friends for support and realized how many people I had ostracized.  My sister told me “if you can’t keep someone who abused you, you’re going to end up alone forever.”  Issues with my sister are a whole different story for another day, but what she said to me stuck with me.  I allowed Satan to use that to make me feel unloved, unworthy, and useless.

Its been just over a year but I have finally realized that none of those things are true.  I have found new amazing friends, and rekindled old friendships.  I have realized that I am a beautiful young woman who is deeply loved by God.  I have learned that being single has been a blessing.  I have learned that in no way, shape, or form did I deserve the abuse I had endured.

If you are in a bad relationship, please get out.  For yourself, be brave and then let God piece up the pieces of your broken heart.  Chase God first, with all your heart, he’s keeping the right one safe and preparing that man for you for the time God needs you to enter each others lives.  Trust His timing.

Besides my friends and mom getting me through, God was really there for me.  He led me to a book that changed my life and helped me work through a lot of my insecurities.  Untangled by Carey Scott was the book, and I encourage anyone with any insecurity to please, please get a copy and read it.

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